ALWAYS PICK THE HALF-ORC

(For the purist out there, I’m going to be shamelessly blending systems together here, but I grew up playing 3rd edition and AD&D, so that’s where this is coming from)

I’ve had more requests for more Dungeons and Dragons inspired posts, and luckily for those readers something came along and struck me.  I’m going to do my best to explain myself, for those of you that grew up actually having a real social life, so that you too can fully speak nerd.  In DnD, players pick two things that define their character right off the bat: their class (what the character does, such as a thief, fighter, wizard, etc) and their race (not as in color of skin, but as in human, elf, gnome, etc).  I’ve discussed class in many blog posts before (summary: the Barbarian is always the best), but today I intend to discuss race and, specifically, why one should always pick the Half-Orc.  I’ll start first with a photo of all the races, which should already make the choice obvious.

So of course, with the name “half-orc” we have to wonder what the 2 halves are at play here.  One half is human, and the other half is orc.  What the hell is an orc?  Assuming you never watched the Lord of the Rings movies, they’re big, strong, brutish monsters and typically the enemy of all the other “civilized” races.  I won’t explain the rest of the fantasy creatures, as most people, even without nerdy interests, are most likely familiar with them.

Why does one select a race in DnD?  Because each race has their own unique advantages and drawbacks.  The Elf, for example, gets a bonus to how dexterous they are, they only need to sleep 4 hours a day, they get natural bonuses to resisting certain types of magic, they start off naturally skilled with the longsword and longbow, and they make excellent wizards, but they are frail and take a penalty to their constitution score.  The dwarf is the opposite: a hardy race with a bonus to constitution, heavy natural magical resistances, bonuses against certain monster types, they don’t move slower in even the heaviest armor, can see the in the dark, etc, but they are dour and take a penalty to charisma.  Pretty much every single race gets a bonus to one stat (the stats being strength, constitution, dexterity, wisdom, intelligence and charisma), a penalty to one, and a slew of magical resistances, bonuses to certain skills, perhaps some sort of natural magical ability, a bonus language to speak, etc.  All except the Half-orc: all the Half-orc gets is a bonus to strength.

But sometimes that's all you need to be a hero

That’s it.  Ok, he also can see in the dark, but that’s it.  OH, and also, he takes a penalty to intelligence AND charisma.  In addition, the only classes he can play are fighter, thief, barbarian and cleric (priest/healer): he is allowed no offensive magical ability.  So doesn’t this mean that the Half-Orc is the worst race to pick?  No: quite the opposite.  What this means is that a bonus to strength is SO ridiculous of a gift to get in this game that the ONLY way to possibly balance it out is to penalize the player in TWO different stats (whereas one typically understands balance to be 1 for 1), give them NO additional bonuses to magical resistance, skills, talents, etc, and forbid them from ever learning any sort of magic. 

Stop and marinade on that for a second there: in a game where MAGIC is real, the creators of the game admit that being physically stronger is so much more significant an advantage than having magical ability that the only way to balance it was to give the magic casters a whole slew of other bonuses (to include one of them only needing to sleep for 4 hours) while double penalizing the guy with the strength bonus.  In fact, the Half-Orc’s advantages are so immense that he was REMOVED from several editions of Dungeons and Dragons (specifically the Advanced Dungeons and Dragons variant) and only begrudgingly brought back in 3rd edition.  You even see this reflected in the video game variant, where he’s absent from the first Baldur’s Gate but present in the second.  And if you play the revised first edition of the game where he IS present, you see why he’s removed: you can TERRORIZE the game at early levels with his advantages in strength.

This is pretty much how every fight goes down in that game if you're a Half-Orc

This is because strength is its OWN magic.  One can accomplish phenomenal feats with an abundance of raw physical strength that can only possibly be matched through mythical arcane ability through pacts with diabolic creatures, demons in one’s bloodline or decades of studying musty tomes and growing long white beards.  And there’s no limited spell slots to deal with, no need to rest to restore spells, no eye of newt or elaborate rituals to contend with: the magic is always there, ready to go.  It is honestly, blatantly, totally and completely unfair to have a bonus to strength.

And if this holds true in a world with magic, just imagine what this means in our far more mundane world.  You make yourself a different species when you pursue and obtain raw physical strength.  You grant yourself advantages that are going to appear magical to those that are without them.  You’ll possess the ability to achieve ridiculous accomplishments through sheer strength alone, and your magic will always be there, ready to go, limited only by your energy and any injuries you may have accumulated along the way.  And Hell: even WHILE fatigued and injured, you will still possess more “magic” than many who are lacking in said physical strength.  This is why we pursue getting bigger and stronger: it’s the closest to magic we will ever come in our mundane life.

Although I'll admit I have NO idea how he's doing this

When picking your race: always pick the half-orc.  Unless you can pick the full orc.  Or the ogre.  And be a barbarian.