BLESSED ARE THE GEEK: THE BENEFITS OF EXISTING ON THE FRINGE

I have never been cool.  I grew up a fat kid, from day 1, which I most recently learned was primarily because my parents followed the conventional wisdom at the time of the 80s to put cereal in our bottles so that we’d fatten up and sleep through the night faster, which meant I quite literally never had a chance, and from the first day of school I was an obvious target.  My family was also not particularly high income, so most of my clothes were hand me downs from my brother, Walmart specials my grandmother got me for Christmas, “Payless” brand shoes, etc.  From there, I also had nerdy hobbies: I loved video games, martial arts (they were NOT cool back then: this wasn’t MMA), Magic The Gathering, Pokemon, comic books and their trading cards, etc, and I shunned most sports, primarily because I was bad at them (but, keep in mind, this was 30+ years ago, so I still PLAYED a bunch of them growing up compared to today’s perpetual inside kids).  Even when I lost the weight in high school and got into lifting, it didn’t suddenly make me cool, despite what a lot of young trainees HOPE will happen when they start lifting: I was now just the nerdy kid that lifted weights.  After graduating from college at age 21, I married my college sweetheart (who is still with me to this day: I really struck gold), and my first car as a minivan…we had no kids…and I loved that van and drove it for 13 years.  And as a married man with a minivan, you can surmise that I did NOT spent my early 20s partying…especially as a non-drinker, smoker, or recreational drug user.  I say none of this seeking your sympathy: the opposite in fact.  I say all of this to establish what an INCREDIBLE advantage I had with this upbringing.  I’ve NEVER been cool so, in turn, I’ve never been in any sort of rush to conform or comply with what IS cool.  I’ve ALWAYS existed on the fringe, which has, in turn, given me access to SO many more opportunities compared to those that ONLY know the straight and narrow party-approved methods and ways forward.

Wisecracking smart aleck nerdy strong dude: there's a reason I resonate so well with this character

In point of fact, upon my own self-examination, it would appear that my lifetime perpetual uncoolness has resulted in me simply having my OWN bias that just so happens to REJECT the mainstream vs seek it: counter-culture purely for its own sake, which is trite and tedious in of itself on a social level (going back to my own 90s roots, the goth kids hanging out at Hot Topic just to form their own bizarro reverse-cliques) BUT, as it relates to physical transformation, has been a boon.  Holy cow that was a crazy run-on sentence.  But harken back to a key point I’ve made time and again: if you keep doing what everyone else is doing, you’re going to get the results that everyone else is getting.  In order to BE different, one must ACT differently, and this relates to methods and methodology employed in the pursuit of physical transformation.  One does not necessarily guarantee BETTER results, but they will at LEAST be different results, and those of us perpetually uncool individuals are VERY familiar and downright comfortable with being different.

 

This lifetime existence on the fringe made it that the idea of 20 breathing squats followed by pullovers to expand my ribcage and a gallon of milk a day made SO much sense to me, despite, to this day, having young trainees STILL try to inform me that you need more volume than that, squats don’t build the upper body, you can’t expand your ribcage, a gallon of milk a day will only make you fat and give you diabetes, and you can only gain .5lbs of muscle a week and anything after that is 100% pure fat.  Even IF all of that was true, one CANNOT account for the intangible benefits that came with my pursuit of Super Squats early in my lifting journey (but not early enough, because god DAMN do I wish this was my first ever program): I learned how to push myself STUPIDLY hard in the weight room AND in the dinning room, how to OBSESS over progress, and how to eat, live and breathe training: a skillset that was INVALUABLE in my pursuit of physical transformation, and came into play when I pursued ANOTHER fringe program by way of Jon Andersen’s Deep Water program.  Wherein, once again, the training AND the nutrition contained within it completely violated all semblance of what was “cool” and, once again, by following the protocol, I unlocked SO much inside of myself that simply could not be done if I stuck with the mundane 3-5 sets of 8-12 reps for 2-4 exercises per muscle group that all the cool kids did while they calculated their macros based off their TDEE with the ideal macro spread of chicken, rice and broccoli. 

In a world where "chicken, rice and broccoli" is somehow cool, be uncool and eat steak and eggs

 

My mind simply cannot be satisfied or placated by coolness, for I interpret it as “mundaneness” and, ultimately, ineffectiveness.  A program that is based around balance and gradual returns simply will not satisfy me: I need stupid gimmicks and hooks that fly in the face of all accepted conventions.  It’s honestly amazing I never got into HIT honestly, but maybe that’s because I somehow KNEW there was going to be a resurgence of it thanks to Tik Tok and it would one day become cool again, so I headed that off at the past.  And my nutrition has been this way as well: I was low-carb BEFORE it was cool, which, of course, meant I had to go take it in an even stupider direction once that got tired out and ended up becoming Captain Carnivore while the rest of the community derided it.  I honestly wouldn’t know how to function if I wasn’t getting made fun of for the way I do things: it’s literally the ONLY way I’ve ever known how to live.  And again: I don’t say this to lament my upbringing, but simply to highlight it.  There’s this mythos that those who get bullied take up lifting weights in order to create “armor” to protect themselves and that they grow stronger as a form of overcompensation, but perhaps what we’re instead observing is the instance wherein a lifetime of existing on the fringe sets one up to select the methods that are going to ensure a different outcome on the quest for physical transformation compared to what the majority will experience. 

Although if you ARE going to get revenge on bullies, this is MUCH better material than "bully beatdown"

 

Those that have existed on the fringe in perpetuity will be the ones who end up becoming the outliers as a result of fringe methods producing fringe results.

 

          

THE TARRASQUE SLAYER: IMPOSSIBLE GOALS FOR RIDICULOUS RESULTS

Welcome back to the DnD world fellow lifting nerds (referring to folks who are both nerds about lifting and also nerds who happen to lift, look at me go with the double meanings).  Today, I’m going to discuss what was once an in-joke between me and my brother: The Tarrasque Slayer.  And, in turn, how this joke actually models the very behavior that so many young trainees shy away from when they should, instead, run full tilt after it…much like the Tarrasque itself.  “What in the 9 Hells is a Tarrasque?” you say, already demonstrating your DnD nerdery with the correct number of hells?

 

THIS is a Tarrasque

 

Like something painted on the side of a van in the 70s

 

It is described as this in the Monster Manual as “the most terrible creature known to inhabit the Prime Material Plane. The beast is a full 50 feet (15 meters) tall and 70 feet (21 meters) long quadruped with a long tail, reflective carapace, and two large horns on its head. Supposedly, there is only one tarrasque, which slumbers within the world's core.”  Along with that, it’s immune to just about every spell, resists damage from all but the most heavily enchanted of weapons, has about a million hit points which it can regenerate during battle, etc etc.  It is absolutely ridiculous, and was frequently a threat leveraged by a Dungeon Master against an unruly party: “Play nice or I’ll make you guys fight a Tarrasque and have a total party kill”.

 

BUT, there’s also one other feature there to focus on: there’s only ONE of these things.  Which makes “The Tarrasque Slayer” equally ridiculous.  What is a Tarrasque Slayer?  In the world of DnD, one of the character classes a player can choose is “The Ranger”.  I’ve written extensively about the Barbarian, the Fighter, the Monk and the Paladin, but haven’t divulged much about the Ranger.  Think of them like Aragaon from “Lord of the Rings”: these are a fighting type class, typically fleet of foot/lightly armored and connected with nature, with animal companions and an affinity for hunting.  But what REALLY makes Rangers unique is their ability to have a “favored enemy”: a certain creature/race/enemy type that they gain an advantage to find, hunt and fight due to a combination of an extensive amount of time studying the enemy often paired with a deep seated hatred for said enemy.  You have rangers that are orc-slayers, giant-slayers, vampire-slayers (SO cliché), etc etc…which brings us to “The Tarrasque Slayer”.

This vampire slayer had the looks Buffy could only DREAM of

 

Consider how ridiculous the premise of that is, because you pick out your favored enemy at level ONE.  Level one rangers can get one-shotted by a Goblin armed with a sling who rolls lucky: they need to focus on not tripping over their bootlaces rather than trying to bring down the most terrible creature to inhabit the Prime Material Plane.  And then consider the fact there is only ONE Tarrasque in the game: you’ll NEVER get to actually USE the advantages of your favored enemy outside of ONE battle.  If you pick Goblin as your favored enemy, you’ll get to use your advantages against hundreds, if not THOUSANDS of the little buggers.  If you pick “Demon”, there’s an entire Abyss FULL of demons to unleash your fury on.  But there will only ever be ONE Tarrasque: all of your extensive study, training, preparation, and hatred will be for naught if you never even get to the damn thing. 

 

…or will it?  Consider this: just how ridiculous will the Tarrasque Slayer be when it fights a non-Tarrasque enemy?  What happens when you take the dude who has dedicated himself to fight a 50’ tall unkillable magical beast and pit him against a common orc?  An ogre?  Hell even a lich or a dragon?  Those things are traditionally pretty terrifying, but if you’ve established your baseline at “Tarrasque”, these fearsome creatures…they’re honestly kinda mundane.  Kinda “blah” and ho-hum.  “Hey, listen dragon, it’s cool you breathe acid and all, but I’m looking for something that’s a bit more of a challenge.”  Yes, the Tarrasque Slayer may have dedicated himself to the sole task of slaying only ONE creature…but by picking the most terrible creature known to inhabit the Prime Material Plane, it means they’re PROBABLY pretty darn good at slaying creatures that AREN’T quite so ridiculous.

Sorta like how a guy who has trained to fight 1 300lb man can take on 2 150lb men

 

This extends SO far into the realm of physical transformation that it’s honestly ridiculous what a great fit it is AND equally ridiculous how much folks fight this idea.  I constantly observe trainees that DEMAND to know what their limitations are as far as goal setting goes.  They’ll train for one month and ask the collective internet hivemind to evaluate their genetics to determine if they have “any hope” in this game.  They question anyone who has achieved anyone in success by claiming that they must be using every drug and have superior genetics and every other conceivable advantage possible, demanding that SOMONE out there present them with “realistic expectations” for an average trainee to be able to accomplish.  These folks are kobold-slayers: they’re trying to specialize in fighting the easiest monsters in the game.  They have no ambition to succeed.  And, in turn, they are going to peak VERY early in the game: their utility will quickly wane, and soon no one is going to want them around because they are going to be worthless.

 

Chase after a Tarrasque out there in the realm of physical transformation.  No one has pulled a 1200lb deadlift yet, so why not you?  Why not try to get NINE Olympia wins?  Go run a 90 minute marathon.  Do it all drug-free, carb-free, underweight, underslept, overstressed.  Take on the biggest challenges you can possibly take on in pursuit of the most ridiculous goals you could possibly chase.  Why?  Because through the PURSUIT of these goals, you will grow to BE ridiculous.  Someone chasing a 400lb deadlift will eventually catch it.  Great: now what?  Someone chasing a 1200lb deadlift won’t even think twice when 400 crosses their path: they will be marching onward to 500, 600 and on.  And funny enough, time tends to stretch to meet the very demands we have.  When we dedicate our lives to a 400lb deadlift, it will most likely take us our whole lives to get there.  When 1200 is on our mind?  400 happens QUICK.  Like the slayer cutting through an army of Orcs: what seems amazing to others will simply be a Tuesday for you.

GAME...OVER!

 

Pick “Tarrasque” as your favored enemy.  Become a dedicated slayer of the most terrible creature to inhabit the Prime Material Plane.  Let everyone else concern themselves with Hobgoblins and Trolls: you’re here for the BIG game.