THE TARRASQUE SLAYER: IMPOSSIBLE GOALS FOR RIDICULOUS RESULTS

Welcome back to the DnD world fellow lifting nerds (referring to folks who are both nerds about lifting and also nerds who happen to lift, look at me go with the double meanings).  Today, I’m going to discuss what was once an in-joke between me and my brother: The Tarrasque Slayer.  And, in turn, how this joke actually models the very behavior that so many young trainees shy away from when they should, instead, run full tilt after it…much like the Tarrasque itself.  “What in the 9 Hells is a Tarrasque?” you say, already demonstrating your DnD nerdery with the correct number of hells?

 

THIS is a Tarrasque

 

Like something painted on the side of a van in the 70s

 

It is described as this in the Monster Manual as “the most terrible creature known to inhabit the Prime Material Plane. The beast is a full 50 feet (15 meters) tall and 70 feet (21 meters) long quadruped with a long tail, reflective carapace, and two large horns on its head. Supposedly, there is only one tarrasque, which slumbers within the world's core.”  Along with that, it’s immune to just about every spell, resists damage from all but the most heavily enchanted of weapons, has about a million hit points which it can regenerate during battle, etc etc.  It is absolutely ridiculous, and was frequently a threat leveraged by a Dungeon Master against an unruly party: “Play nice or I’ll make you guys fight a Tarrasque and have a total party kill”.

 

BUT, there’s also one other feature there to focus on: there’s only ONE of these things.  Which makes “The Tarrasque Slayer” equally ridiculous.  What is a Tarrasque Slayer?  In the world of DnD, one of the character classes a player can choose is “The Ranger”.  I’ve written extensively about the Barbarian, the Fighter, the Monk and the Paladin, but haven’t divulged much about the Ranger.  Think of them like Aragaon from “Lord of the Rings”: these are a fighting type class, typically fleet of foot/lightly armored and connected with nature, with animal companions and an affinity for hunting.  But what REALLY makes Rangers unique is their ability to have a “favored enemy”: a certain creature/race/enemy type that they gain an advantage to find, hunt and fight due to a combination of an extensive amount of time studying the enemy often paired with a deep seated hatred for said enemy.  You have rangers that are orc-slayers, giant-slayers, vampire-slayers (SO cliché), etc etc…which brings us to “The Tarrasque Slayer”.

This vampire slayer had the looks Buffy could only DREAM of

 

Consider how ridiculous the premise of that is, because you pick out your favored enemy at level ONE.  Level one rangers can get one-shotted by a Goblin armed with a sling who rolls lucky: they need to focus on not tripping over their bootlaces rather than trying to bring down the most terrible creature to inhabit the Prime Material Plane.  And then consider the fact there is only ONE Tarrasque in the game: you’ll NEVER get to actually USE the advantages of your favored enemy outside of ONE battle.  If you pick Goblin as your favored enemy, you’ll get to use your advantages against hundreds, if not THOUSANDS of the little buggers.  If you pick “Demon”, there’s an entire Abyss FULL of demons to unleash your fury on.  But there will only ever be ONE Tarrasque: all of your extensive study, training, preparation, and hatred will be for naught if you never even get to the damn thing. 

 

…or will it?  Consider this: just how ridiculous will the Tarrasque Slayer be when it fights a non-Tarrasque enemy?  What happens when you take the dude who has dedicated himself to fight a 50’ tall unkillable magical beast and pit him against a common orc?  An ogre?  Hell even a lich or a dragon?  Those things are traditionally pretty terrifying, but if you’ve established your baseline at “Tarrasque”, these fearsome creatures…they’re honestly kinda mundane.  Kinda “blah” and ho-hum.  “Hey, listen dragon, it’s cool you breathe acid and all, but I’m looking for something that’s a bit more of a challenge.”  Yes, the Tarrasque Slayer may have dedicated himself to the sole task of slaying only ONE creature…but by picking the most terrible creature known to inhabit the Prime Material Plane, it means they’re PROBABLY pretty darn good at slaying creatures that AREN’T quite so ridiculous.

Sorta like how a guy who has trained to fight 1 300lb man can take on 2 150lb men

 

This extends SO far into the realm of physical transformation that it’s honestly ridiculous what a great fit it is AND equally ridiculous how much folks fight this idea.  I constantly observe trainees that DEMAND to know what their limitations are as far as goal setting goes.  They’ll train for one month and ask the collective internet hivemind to evaluate their genetics to determine if they have “any hope” in this game.  They question anyone who has achieved anyone in success by claiming that they must be using every drug and have superior genetics and every other conceivable advantage possible, demanding that SOMONE out there present them with “realistic expectations” for an average trainee to be able to accomplish.  These folks are kobold-slayers: they’re trying to specialize in fighting the easiest monsters in the game.  They have no ambition to succeed.  And, in turn, they are going to peak VERY early in the game: their utility will quickly wane, and soon no one is going to want them around because they are going to be worthless.

 

Chase after a Tarrasque out there in the realm of physical transformation.  No one has pulled a 1200lb deadlift yet, so why not you?  Why not try to get NINE Olympia wins?  Go run a 90 minute marathon.  Do it all drug-free, carb-free, underweight, underslept, overstressed.  Take on the biggest challenges you can possibly take on in pursuit of the most ridiculous goals you could possibly chase.  Why?  Because through the PURSUIT of these goals, you will grow to BE ridiculous.  Someone chasing a 400lb deadlift will eventually catch it.  Great: now what?  Someone chasing a 1200lb deadlift won’t even think twice when 400 crosses their path: they will be marching onward to 500, 600 and on.  And funny enough, time tends to stretch to meet the very demands we have.  When we dedicate our lives to a 400lb deadlift, it will most likely take us our whole lives to get there.  When 1200 is on our mind?  400 happens QUICK.  Like the slayer cutting through an army of Orcs: what seems amazing to others will simply be a Tuesday for you.

GAME...OVER!

 

Pick “Tarrasque” as your favored enemy.  Become a dedicated slayer of the most terrible creature to inhabit the Prime Material Plane.  Let everyone else concern themselves with Hobgoblins and Trolls: you’re here for the BIG game.