ODE TO THE BARBARIAN

 Anyone that has followed my writing knows that I am a fan of barbarians, the barbarian, and barbarism in general.  I have written on many occasions why the barbarian is the ideal class in Dungeons and Dragons and have annoyed many of my friends with my unwillingness to play other classes.  But I feel it’s time for others to really look deep and understand that they too owe a level of appreciation and, dare I say, gratitude to the noble (or otherwise) barbarian.  Despite what you may believe, there is a fair chance that you have much to thank the barbarian for.

 

CONAN

For those of you that actually read the stories by Rob Howard, you already have much to be thankful for, as Conan served as a fantastic philosopher and role model of physicality, masculinity, and simplicity in manner.  But to be real, we all REALLY have Arnold to thank for his portrayal OF Conan

 

How can this be both timeless AND pure 80s?

 

Though not his film DEBUT, this was unquestionably Arnold’s breakthrough role, and with it he ushered in an era where “excessive” musculature was celebrated and pursued.  Sure, there was some other Hollywood hunks prior to Arnold, but they were few and far between and simply did not have the “gravitas” of the future California governor.  Additionally, this was an era where bodybuilding was still considered a freakshow oddity, and building muscle purely for the sake of having it was vain and taboo.  Oh sure: you could build muscle if you were playing sports, but even then, you weren’t supposed to do it with those nasty weights: it was just supposed to happen organically through the playing of sports and employment of calisthenics.

 

And then Arnold exploded on the screen and the whole world changed…

 

Do you remember where you were when the film flashed forward on the Wheel of Pain and Conan had grown into a man?  Do you remember just how in awe you were?  Do you remember wanting to spend a decade yourself grinding away at the wheel?  And then do you remember learning that Arnold had to LOSE muscle for the role?  Because he was so goddamn big that it would have been comical to have him absolutely dwarfing his adversaries?  Well you weren’t alone, and you’ll find that many MANY successful athletes today accredit that VERY film with inspiring them to pursue getting bigger and stronger.  Every red blooded male at that point wanted to be Conan, and if not him, some other Arnold vehicle, or Rocky, or Rambo, or Van Damme: the dominos had started to fall, and it had become obvious now that the pursuit of size and strength was a reasonable and nobly barbaric pursuit.

 

Thank you Conan.

 

THE BARBARIAN BROTHERS

Once again, overhead pressing is the key

Peter and David Paul don’t get to enjoy the same esteem as Arnold in regards to making muscle awesome again, and, in fact, they were very much the beneficiaries of Arnold’s Conan contribution to the world.  And yes, they also attempted forays in to the “swords and sorcery” world that had exploded as a result of Arnold’s work (hell, even Arnold effectively parodied himself with “Red Sonja”), but it is not the Barbarian Brothers work in cinema for what we owe them thanks, but instead for one quote.  One MAGNIFICANT quote.

 

“There is no overtraining: just undereating”

When in doubt...

 

I love this quote, primarily because, whenever I share it, it upsets a LOT of people and, as a misanthrope, that seems like something that should please me.  However, along with that, I love the quote because of how true it is and the message that it communicates.  So many trainees are so absolutely terrified of overtraining that they suffer the opposite: they UNDERtrain.  And there exists a VERY interesting correlation between a fear of overtraining AND a fear of “getting fat”, resulting in birdlike eating as trainees attempt to operate under the THINNEST of margins for weight gain, in some sort of hope to min/max the gaining process.  Here we are talking DnD terms again, and once again: the noble barbarian rises above all and requires no special build, feats or hacking to hit something really hard until it dies.  If these very trainees would dedicate themselves to training as hard as absolutely possible and then turn right around and dedicate themselves to EATING as absolutely hard as possible, they would witness the type of results that would have people questioning their biology, genetics, and chemistry.  Which is something the “nattyorjuice” crowd just will never be able to grasp: you simply can’t quantify the benefits of hard work both in AND out of the gym.

 

My current training and nutrition is very much exemplifying this: I am training at the LEAST 2 times a day, but very often 3 and sometimes even 4 times a day.  COVID has still wrecked the world, and I have little else to do.  Any time I’m not training, I’m EATING.  I’m at the point where I eat something every half hour at work (packing for work has, in turn, become quite laborious) and I am STILL hungry.  I eat a huge meal before bed and wake up at 0300 from hunger.  When I go to bed, I dream of my breakfast, and after I eat my breakfast I start lifting (often having done a quick fasted conditioning session BEFORE breakfast), and halfway through the workout I’M HUNGRY.  I eat WHILE I’m cooking the next meal.  As long as I am not undereating, I won’t be overtraining, and meanwhile, as long as I’m training THIS goddamn hard and eating THIS goddamn much, the results have been, and will continue to be, absolutely bonkers.

 

THE BARBARIAN

Who needs armor anyway?

And finally, an ode to barbarians themselves, who have existed so long as culture itself has existed.  There have always been those “outside the gates”: the unclean, the uncivilized, the uncultured.  For them we owe thanks, for they were the ones who challenged the status quo enough to force change to occur.  Weather change occurred through the intermingling of cultures, through the self-reflection that occurs when one observes something outside of themselves, or through forceful, sudden and rapid change as a result of the toppling of nations and ending of regimes, the barbarian has served as the necessary “cultural brushfire” that eliminated the excess, brought us back to basics, and forced us to start again.  Sometimes it resulted in the ushering in of dark ages, but in such darkness new light could shine: light that had previously been stifled by old paradigms, “the way things are”, vested authority figures, etc etc.  When the classless hold nothing sacred, when the Vikings pull up on the shores of monasteries and slaughter monks and take gold, when Germanic mercenaries infest the ranks of the legion and hold no loyalty to any king or commander, suddenly all those things we “knew” become immaterial and we are forced to start again and find NEW principles, values, and guiding lights…and often times these prove to be superior.  We simply needed that “push”.

 

Launch your own barbarian invasion: tear down the walls of your own society and let nothing sacred survive.  Rebuild your society from the ashes and find out what was hearty enough to withstand the barbaric hordes.  And perhaps ONLY barbarism is what survives…and you could do far FAR worse than that.