READER REQUEST: THE INTERNET APPROVED STRONGMAN CONTEST

Had an idea presented to me for a good bit of satire that I thought would be entertaining.  The internet is never short on opinions, and strongman has earned the ire of many a keyboard warrior.  Despite having never actually trained for, competed in, or, in many cases, WATCHED a strongman competition, many people feel it is their place to dictate how strongman should proceed and what is and is not acceptable.  Why not take the time to figure out how a strongman competition would role were it designed by the internet at large?

Without further ado…

JUDGING


Already I'm not too sure if this is satire

All events will be judged by 1 judged.  This 1 judge will be outfitted with a powerlifting red/white light rig.  Lights will be determined after the judge has the chance to watch a youtube video of the lifter completing the event, ensuring he has an opportunity to slow down, stop, and reverse the video footage, verifying to the upmost accurate detail if a lift “gets whites” or not.  The lights are crucial to the process, as the internet is a big fan of informing strongman on if their lift would have gotten a red or a white light.

EVENT 1: FARMERS WALK



This is what you all look like to me

Performed with dumbbells.  At the start of the event, lifters will approach a fully loaded dumbbell rack and select whatever weight they feel is appropriate.  From there, they will walk for 8 minutes time around a quarter mile track.  Chalk is expressly forbidden, as this is one of the greatest grip exercises in the world.  After the 8 minutes are up, the competitors will rest 3 minutes before performing 2 more rounds in a similar style.  Upon completion of the final round, the competitor will leave the dumbbells wherever they are currently at.  This isn’t to allow the judges to mark distance; it’s because, really, who puts away dumbbells when they are done?

Winner will be determined by whoever has the biggest forearm pump.  Forearms will be measured before and after the event, using centimeters, because it is a bigger number.

EVENT 2: OVERHEAD PRESS

Leg drive results in an immediate disqualification.  Remember; this is an overhead press, not a push press…which is also a way to press over your head…what was I saying?  Athletes will press a barbell with fat gripz on it, because that’s pretty much what an axle is.  The bar will be pressed out of the rack using hexagon plates because the gym doesn’t allow cleans.  No elbow sleeves, wrist straps, belt, or heeled shoes may be worn, as it’s cheating.  Athletes will press for a max weight of 5 reps (the strength range).

EVENT 3: BARBELL DEADLIFT


When you can't maintain form with an empty bar and are forced to deload even further

It goes without saying that suits aren’t allowed.  Straps are also disqualified.  So is mixed grip and chalk.  Only hook grip is allowed.  In instances where the competitor does not have the right leverages for conventional deadlift, they will be given the choice to instead perform sumo, trap bar, Romanian deadlift, or just skip the deadlift entirely and stick with front squats and good mornings.  ZERO HITCHING ALLOWED.  Also, no grunting, shaking, or physical displays of exertion.  Lower back rounding will result in a lifetime ban from the federation.  All reps will be pulled from a deadstop.  In order to ensure the deadest stop possible, lifters will take 27 seconds between reps.

Competitors will perform a max set of 5 reps.  If at any point the lifter experiences any physical sensation in their lower back, the event will be terminated, the lifter will be given credit for 3 extra reps, and they will be taken immediately to the medical tent, where they will be shot like a racehorse with a broken leg.  Let’s face it; their lifting career is pretty much over with.

EVENT 4: THE SQUAT


No, I didn't make this the event; it gets worse

Powerlifting and strongman are the same sport, right?  Pretty much anyway.  Only the loosest of knee sleeves is allowed for supportive equipment, and even then wearing them will result in 100lbs taken off your squat weight.  Lifters will set each foot on an independent platform and attempt to squat as far beyond ass to grass as possible.  This will be a last man standing event, with that platform increasing an inch in height each round.  The person that squats the deepest wins the event.

An unloaded bar will be the standard weight used for this event.  Weight on the bar doesn’t matter as much as depth.

I’m going to make a quick rule change; I will allow squat suits, but only multiply and canvas suits.  Mainly because I would be amazed if I ever saw anyone wearing one of those squat to any sort of depth without rupturing an eyeball.

EVENT 5: THE YOKE WALK


Textbook technique

Jesus; that thing looks scary.  Let’s just do more dumbbell farmers walks instead.

PLACING AND AWARDS


Bet you can't wait to take one of these babies home

At the end of the competition, everyone, irrespective of performance, will be given a first place trophy and invite to nationals.  At the same time, everyone will be informed that none of their lifts counted, they all somehow cheated in one way or another, and that they’re well on their way to getting injured.  Everyone will be given a gift certificate to a chiropractor and a pre-workout supplement made from 100% crystal meth.  The person who posted the most hashtags in their Instagram profile for that day will win a sponsorship for 5% off fluorescent pink leggings with coupon code IAMSOIRONIC.

Ok, so maybe I can be a bit of a prick sometimes.