ALLOW ME TO EXPLAIN MYSELF: MONUMENT TO NON-EXISTENCE

I can only summarize so much insanity

This may actually become a continuing series for the blog, because I feel like it’s got some legs, but something I get a LOT of questions about these days is my Saturday workout of “Monument to Non-Existence”, an example of which I’ll post below

And for those that can’t watch the video, this particular version of the workout had me do 15 barbell front squats, afterwards I immediately rack the bar and get under it for 20 squats, then I dump the bar behind me and head straight forward into the rack to do 25 safety squat bar squats, then turn around to the dumped bar and do 30 deadlifts with it.  All of this with a weight of 225lbs

There’s been other versions of this.  The OG version had me do 20 squats to 20 deadlifts into a bunch of different Crossfit WODs, and I most recently did a variation that was 20x100lb log viper presses, 18x135 stone to shoulders, 16x155 keg one motion overheads, 13x185 front squat to back squat and 11x225 SSB squats

I share these videos because, quite frankly, I’m proud of them and they’re absolutely bonkers, and each time I get questions about them that I find EQUALLY bonkers, because I feel like the answers are self-evident, but “allow me to explain myself”.

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So first, the name.  “Monument to Non-Existence” is a quote from the Final Fantasy IV Villain “Kefka”

Considering he's one of the few villains to actually succeed...he's worth listening to

I picked that name because, 1: it’s awesome, but 2: this workout is like a final boss fight in a Japanese RPG.  You defeat one form, only to move on to the next and the next: each getting progressively more challenging as you go.  As I’ve gone through, I’ve numbered and named different permutations of it, but the core is the same: various movements, higher reps, no rests.

THE most common question I get, whenever I do something like 13 front squats is 

“Why 13 instead of 15?  Why 18 instead of 20?”

This is how I imagine those people to be

Folks: WATCH THE VIDEO!  That’s as many as I could do!  You’re seeing a man die out there!  Typically, from there, I have to figure out what the rest of the rep progression is going to be.

And that’s one of the keys to this workout: it’s controlled chaos.  It starts out as a rough outline in my mind, and shapes itself MIDWORKOUT.   “Chaos is the plan”, and it could not be more in effect than it is in this moment in time.

So let me walk it back a little bit and explain intent, because that may help.

Honestly this about sums it up

I’m no longer working many shifts, and have a pretty stable 9-5ish M-F kinda gig.  What this means is that my weekends are time I get to spend with my family.  It also means that my 0330 workouts are less than ideal, because my wife would like to wake up next to me at least a FEW times a week.  I lucked out in that regard.  In turn, I do all my long workouts during the work week, ending with deadlifts on Friday.

So Saturday rolls around and I wanna get in something to get some restorative bloodflow into the muscles that were trained.  BUT, I DON’T want it to take a long time.  15 minutes max would be ideal.

Along with this, in my training plan there are movements I WANT to include but simply don’t due to time constraints.  We’re back into the realm of opportunity costs.  Time spent training X could be spent training Y.  Right now, those movements include the SSB Squat and the Front Squat.  So now I have a chance to shoehorn that all in here into one workout and get the reps in.

“How did you select the weight?”

That'll do the trick

That’s another really common question, and typically people want to know what my maxes are so they can replicate the effort on their own.  Weight selection has always been by “plate milestone”.  225, 315, 405, etc.  The only exception was the strongman focused one I did, and for that I was using unloaded implements, so I went as light as they could go.  Aside from the version where I go for 20 reps at the start, it’s not about getting a certain amount of reps: it’s about getting as many reps WITH that weight and going from there.  

I picked 225 for the version where I drop the barbell because that seemed light enough not to damage my floor with the crash pads.      

“So is this a conditioning workout or a strength workout?”

This is how you're coming across...

This question is the ultimate “not getting it”, and again, one of those “watch the video” sorta moments.  

This is an “overcoming” workout.  

THE most critical part is the transition.  The transition between the front squat to the squat, and the squat to the SSB squat specifically.  The shorter that transition, the more effective the workout, because THAT is CHOOSING to “run into the fire”.

This workout is always the hardest workout of my week.  It absolutely sucks, and what blows my mind is that, when it’s all over, it’s ONLY been 15 minutes.  I’m going through a legit vision quest every time I do those SSB squats: talking to myself the whole time and finding out who I REALLY am under that bar.  Once I unrack the bar for that first rep of the front squat, I’m locked into the worst ride through Hell I can imagine.  And the thing is, I can choose to quit at ANY TIME, and that’s the point.  It’s why that transition is so huge: it’s all a decision at that point.  Do we stop and take a break, or do we continue on to the next level?  The longer the pause to make that decision, the less I am. I pride myself on just how quick I can turn around and get in that first rep.  Once that rep is done, I can rest all I want…with the bar on my back. 

Yeah pretty much this

Yes, the workout has a conditioning effect.  Yes, it has an active recovery effect.  Yes, it builds strength, but fundamentally, this is me taking a day each week to come up with something awful to subject myself to and FORCE myself to make the decision to keep going through it when opportunities are abound to abandon it at any time.  This workout is a “everything” workout.  When you do it, you get better at everything, and it only takes 15 minutes…and they will be the 15 hardest minutes of your life.

Why not give it a go?!